A FEW FROM MY OVERSEAS MATES. ENJOY!!!!

The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.

Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan

--------------------------------

Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------

Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

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One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a
well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as
the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the
well needed to be covered up anyway;
it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and
help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began
to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the
donkey realized what was happening and cried
horribly.
Then, to everyone's amazement he
quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally
looked down the well.
He was astonished at what
he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his
back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farm er's neighbors continued to shovel
dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds
of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well
is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of
our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out
of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.


Give more.

Expect less


NOW .......

Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back,
and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and
the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.


MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover
your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

**********************************************************************

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"


************************************************************************
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up
for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside,
he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of
bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict
gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes
into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a
woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.

If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates
you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.

“He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it’s in the bathroom.”

Be strong.
I love you too honey!'